Random Bits 15
by Nashiil
Summary: Chapter 3 is UP!. Guarding is boring, so Tidus and Brother join forces to search for the forbidden treasure that is Rikku's diary.
1. Chapter 1

Oh no! Another Random Bits!! A big 'Thank You!!' to everyone who has read and/or offered advice, and for putting up with my erratic updates. As always, please alert me to typos and other problems as soon as possible. As far as explaining this fic, I was just bored and thinking about how I have never kept a diary... Anyway, happy reading!

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Random Bits 15

Chapter 1

Setting: Yuna and company are helping the Al Bhed rebuild Home. With supplies running low, Tidus and Rikku volunteer to go with Cid and Brother to buy more. Unfortunately, after annoying Cid, Tidus and Brother are made to stay on the airship.

**Bikanel Island **- Dwelling Depot - Inside the airship. With Rikku out of the way, Brother enlists Tidus' help in searching Rikku's quarters for her diary.

Tidus backed into the door, hormones reeling with the overpowering essence of 'girl'. The guest quarters were, in Tidus' experience, small like most hotel, ship and train quarters. The furnishings were sparse and included an unsteady chair, a lumpy and badly stained mattress that someone had probably been murdered on (and most likely had its own ecosystem), and a rug that smelled like an outhouse on a hot summer's afternoon. Oh, and a single flickering light bulb suspended at forehead height.

What lay on the other side of the door, however, was a whole other dimension. It had the standard issue bunk, but the mattress looked quite comfortable and the bedclothes were a cheerful pastel yellow with one too many ruffles. The bed was currently being inhabited by a tribe of stuffed animals, whose beady eyes glittered with hostility at the two intruders. A net suspended in a corner contained the rest of the clan. The young blitz ball player wondered what they had done wrong. They had probably been caught snooping around too.

The walls were a patchwork of posters featuring the latest boy bands, teen idols, and hot machina mechanics. The Front Sidewalk Guys (Official Sand Blasted, Blazing Sin, and Back Home album posters) competed for space with Jett Wrench (the youngest machina pro ever, duh!), 1000 degrees (from their On Fira, Sand Storm, and Machina Revolution albums), and The Blast (from their Blow It Up Good single). There were spaces between some of the posters that had been left oddly bare.

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Tidus quavered uneasily, a stuffed Tonberry staring at him with silent menace. "I mean, what if she finds out?"

"Bah! I do this all the time. Relax." Brother returned to busily digging through a small trashcan at the foot of the ruffle infested bed.

"Wow!" Brother suddenly gasped, "I can't believe she threw away her NoSync posters. Girls!" he grunted dismissively, dropping the crumpled papers back into the can. "Start looking," he instructed, "Her diary is in here somewhere."

"Uh…Okay." Tidus replied, nervously watching a multicolor carpet between the bed and a small dressing table. It was one of those hairy ones that looked like it had been ripped off the back of a mammoth. It reminded the teen of Kimahri's back. Edging around the carpet (incase it was still alive) he headed to the dressing table , which looked more promising. After a bad moment when he became entangled in a decorative flower mobile, he finally made it to his goal.

The former Abes star contemplated the monstrosity squatting before him. It was pink, yellow and green, with flower shaped knobs and a huge mirror. There was the classic powder puff, cans of hair products, jewelry, box of hair accessories , knick-knacks, and a small unfinished machina that was leaking grease on its bed of NoSync newspaper clippings. Carefully, so as not to contract 'cooties', Tidus searched the dressing table.

The first two drawers contained cosmetics, more hair accessories, jewelry, and machina parts and tools. A third drawer held those strange miscellaneous items that tend to mysteriously appear like rubber bands, paperclips, pens, brushes, expired coupons, photos of people you don't remember meeting at places you don't remember having been to, doing things you don't remember doing, string, broken bits of knick-knacks, and the dried out exoskeletons of small dead insects that crawled in when the drawer was opened. Finding no diary in these drawers, Tidus moved to the fourth. It contained all of Rikku's panties.

"Uh…" said Tidus, voice heavy with uncertainty, his 'Shoulder Fayths' prodding him in different directions. _Go for it! Dive right in!_

_No! You can't just dig through a young woman's undergarments. Its shameful!_

Shoulder Fayth, Spira's equivalent of the Shoulder Angel. Everyone has a Good one and a Bad one and they are constantly at war to keep you on or off the moral path. Got one of those right or wrong choices to make? If you listen real close, you can hear them whispering in your ears as they try to convince you to listen to them. Both present good arguments, like 'it's the right thing to do' and 'It'll be fun. No one will know.' Most people side with the Bad Fayth because he can get you instant gratification, a cheap thrill, and a few nights in jail with a giant of a cell mate named Big Bubba (which wasn't part of the deal). He can also do cool things like hop up and down on one foot while singing 'I'm a Small Tea Kettle'.

Brother grumbled to himself and crawled out from under the bed empty handed. He had checked everywhere, even under the furniture to make sure Rikku hadn't taped her diary to the underside. There were no suspicious lumps behind any of the posters, in the mattress, pillows, stuffed animals, or hidden behind any of the light fixtures. He was about to give up when he heard Tidus' grunt.

"Did you find it?" he asked excitedly as he hurried over, oblivious to the moral battle being waged by the boy's Shoulder Fayth.

"No." Tidus' reply came in the slow tones of someone deep in thought, "But we've looked everywhere else, right?" Both Y's gazed down at the open drawer of brightly colored panties. They seemed to leer back.

Brother silently sidled behind Tidus and nudged him closer. "Well, go ahead."

"Why me? She's _your_ sister."

"That's why I can't touch them." the Al Bhed boy squawked in reply as the two of them tried to shuffle behind each other.

"What!? Why not?" Tidus gave Brother a shove towards the table. Brother had no ready reply and he stammered in panic as several brain cells madly banged together in an attempt to form a feasible excuse. "Don't you know that if you touch little sister's underwear you break out in hives and arms wither up and drop off?" he nearly wailed in response.

Tidus stopped struggling and peered at him suspiciously. He didn't have a sister, but most of the girls he knew, knew magic and could probably cast some super secret spells to protect their intimate apparel from raiding males. In desperation he sputtered, "But you don't want some guy you hardly know touching your little sister's panties, do you?" There was a moment of silence, in which they both stared tensely at each other, Tidus wildly hoping that the Al Bhed's Big Brother instincts would kick in.

The two Y's eyes were drawn to the opened drawer and its forbidden contents. Some of the garments could only be described as distressingly sparse, as if the manufacturers had run out of material and had to use what was left…elastic. The end result made the sumo loincloth look conservative and could have easily been achieved with a pack of waxed dental floss, and have a similar function. Brother fought desperately against his Big Brother instincts as they treacherously rose, reminding himself that the human posterior was the second dirtiest orifice of the body and the panties were in essence glorified butt floss. He fought bravely, but his instincts kicked into high gear when Tidus (the devious little Sin Spawn) grinned down at the panties.

Brother sagged in defeat, scowling at Tidus as he shooed his accomplice out of the way. "You can do it man!" the blond grunted encouragingly. Rikku's brother mugged fiercely at the panties and snarled wordlessly. He did a little posturing just to show that he wasn't intimidated, but they silently ignored the bravado. With a final defiant growl Brother plunged his hand into the drawer and ferreted around frantically, his face puckering in a grimace of utter agony.

"Hang in there!" Tidus encouraged excitedly, while the Al Bhed boy twisted around in a manner that suggested all of his will was going into keeping his hand in the drawer. While his iron will was going into keeping his hand where it didn't want to be, his body was making a run for it while his brain had its back turned. Brother whimpered, fingers scrabbling desperately, then yanked his hand out with a cry of triumph.

"Got it!"

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Ladies, lock up your panties!! Er... unless you own buttfloss. No one would really want to touch something that spends its time wedged between your _lower_ cheeks. It brings a new kind of terror to the term 'wet farts'. (Mwahahahah! Try and get rid of that mental image!)


	2. Chapter 2

I'm updating because my #1 fan asked me to!!

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Random Bits 15 - Chapter 2

Setting: Yuna and company are helping the Al Bhed rebuild Home. With supplies running low, Tidus and Rikku volunteer to go with Cid and Brother to buy more. Unfortunately, after annoying Cid, Tidus and Brother are made to stay on the airship.

**Bikanel Island **- Rikku's quarters - Brother and Tidus have found Rikku's diary and after a brief Victory Dance, are about to open it.

"Right on!" Tidus hissed in awe, the fake diamonds sparkling as Brother held the diary aloft. It was pink. Really pink with multi colored fake diamonds and one of those useless little golden locks that can be easily 'unlocked' with a quick yank. Brother slowly lowered it, hands trembling as if Yevon himself had just handed him the Big Book of Machina.

"Just open it already!" Tidus snatched the book away and strode to the center of the room for the best lighting. He paused briefly after opening the lock, struck by the strange texture of the cover. It was smooth and felt like suede. Caution tapped him politely on the shoulder and informed him that it was more likely the skin of the last imbecile who got caught reading the diary. As usual Caution was dismissively brushed aside and Tidus turned to the first page. There were little hearts and hand drawn emoticons everywhere.

_Today was super awful! Brother over watered the baby Cactuar Pops gave me and killed it! He's such a Meanie! I was sooooooo….._

"Skip all that." Brother barked impatiently. Tidus turned a few more pages and they both leaned in to read..

_Lulu is so grown up an' everything. I want to be just liker her when I grow up. Her make-up doesn't really work for me though…I mean, what is it with all that black and purple? Her dress is cool though… but that's one bust line that's gonna be hard (or impossible) to fill. I think I can do it though. Just give me a couple years and I just bet I'll have a set of bangers like hers…_

"_Bangers!" _Tidus burst out laughing. I think she means 'knockers' he giggled, pulling out a pencil and correcting the spelling.

"What are you doing?" Brother hissed in alarm. Tidus danced around with the record of Rikku's most private thoughts held above his head. "Easy! Down boy! It's not like she'll ever go back and read it again."

Brother thought about it, and reluctantly subsided.

_I was talking with Yunie about it and Kimahri, the big meanie, (sad face with tear) said I would never grow any like Lulu. Okay, so he said "Rikku should stay Rikku," but I know he was really saying I'd never get past an 'A cup'._

"'Acup'? What's that?" Tidus asked, the subject having gone from a dissertation on Biological Development of the Adolescent Female to Proper Identification of Tableware. Brother paused in the act of playing with Rikku's cherry lip gloss and regarded him carefully, searching his face for any trace of guile, impishness, or perversity. All he found was innocent confusion.

"You are seriously not knowing?" the Al Bhed boy ventured. _He can't really be that thick. _

"Nope. I've never drank from an Acup."

_He really __**is**__ goofy! _Brother thought.

_I pulled a great prank on Brother today. He was working on restoring this lame old airship he found. Btw, its totally retarded. It looks like a four wheeled motorcycle and he thinks its uber cool. What a 'tard. Anyway…_

"Its not stupid!" Brother grumbled in indignation, while Tidus covered a smirk, "And it is too cool." It was probably the worst ship design ever. The only way it could have been worse would be if it looked like an RV or a rocking horse.

_He was working inside one of the engines and I got Lozo to turn on one of the engines on the same side. The poor dummy thought his engine was turning on and flew out in a shower of tools, screaming like a little…_

"Give it here!" Sputtered Brother, yanking the book out of the teen's hands and flipping through a few pages.

"Ah-ha!"

_Hee hee!(penciled in heart) I almost didn't have enough money for the Sand Blast concert tickets, but it's a good thing Brother keeps his spare cash in his 'secret safe'. It's a coffee can sitting right out in the open on his dresser with a piece of yellow tape that says 'do not touch'. Wow, talk about tight security. But thanks to him I got to see the concert and it was uber cool!!_

"(Little sneak)!!" Brother gasped, slipping into Al Bhed.

_I was right up in front and Peldict (smiley face with hearts for eyes) touched my hand!! Squeee! He's the lead singer and he's…Superendous! I'm never washing my hand again!_

"Girls are so weird." Tidus remarked, shaking his head. "Is 'superendous' a real word?"

Brother snorted and rolled his eyes. "No she makes up own words. So far she as made 'Disasteriffic', ' Uberoopid', 'Superendous', and 'superdoodiemeaniepoopiehead'".

"Wow. She could totally rewrite the Sprian dictionary." Tidus muttered as he glanced at the next entry.

_Waaahhhh! (sad face) I totally forgot and washed my hands…_

_Brother is such a poopie-meanie-head! Today he teased me and said I had a chest like an oven rack. Well, I hope he likes the Zu doodie I put in his shoes._

"I am so going to be murdering her!" Brother skipped a few more pages.

"Wait, Wait, Wait!" Tidus exclaimed, "I saw my name. Go back!"

_Visited Bevelle today. Tidus fell off the tower. It was okay though because he grabbed on to a statue. It took Bahamut 4ever to pull him off. Poor Tidus must have been really scared because he was holding on really tight. Tidus… he always talks to me and Yunie. He's so nice and really fun, you know? He's really cute too, but kinda…goofy. Not like Wakka. He _used_ to be my best buddy, but he crashed the Celsius today and…_

"Yeah!!" Tidus crowed, "She thinks I'm cute."

"Yeah, but she also thinks you're goofy."

"Yeah, but she said I was cute!" Brother looked at the beaming blond and had to agree with Rikku on the goofy part, but decided to upgrade 'goofy' to 'utter jock' (all the looks with only some of the brains).

They flipped through a few more pages. Brother read a few more entries aloud, but they mostly had to do with the boring daily events that girls found interesting. (like trying the latest new lip gloss shade, how much weight they think they gained from eating two potato chips, and gossiping about what Betty BusyBody told LaLa the Mouth about your BF.)

Growing bored with Brothers' single-minded determination to find dirt on his little sister, Tidus began digging through the box of hair accessories on the dressing table.

The Al Bhed would occasionally blurt things like 'I knew it!', 'Little brat!', and 'Wait until I tell father!'" His thoughts of revenge were interrupted by Tidus' exasperated groan of, "I just don't get it!" Brother looked up to see the teen's hair loaded with hair clips, pins, scrunchies, and other accessories. " I mean, what's the point! You can't even touch your hair with all this crap in it." Brother rolled his eyes and set down the book.

Tidus thumbed through a few more pages of the diary, distractedly making the appropriate noises as Brother explained the dos-and-don'ts of hair accessories. Being the older brother, the Al Bhed boy had often found himself helping Rikku get ready in the morning. He had learned early that little girls like lots of clips and bows and can take an eternity to decide which ones to wear. The young Brother had quickly learned to apply matching clips and pins and could make a ponytail in under 20 seconds.

Tidus read on.

_Brother was at it again today. He has the biggest crush on Yunie and was in a flirting frenzy. Me an' pops have both explained that she is our cousin, but he doesn't seem to mind. Its just…just….grossarific!! And its sooo obvious that she loves Tidus, that its almost too painful to watch the poor sod strutting and preening. I don't see how Tidus doesn't notice when he's doing it right in front of him. Again, cute but a little dense…._

"That's… kinda gross man." Tidus said glancing at Brother's reflection in the mirror. Brother scowled and snapped irritably,

"What do you know? You're just a dream."

"Yeah, Yuna's dream guy!" Tidus said smugly, then winced as Brother gave his pigtail a yank.

"Hey look," Rikku's sibling replied quickly in a desperate attempt to draw attention away from himself. "Things about your Legendary friend!" Tidus curiously bent over the diary again, Brother's unrequited love issues momentarily forgotten.

_Auron is so cool. He's so calm and in control, and he always says the most awesome things. He's got the coolest weapons too and he's super strong. He acts gruff, but he's really just a big softie. I wish pops was like that!! Anyway, he bought everyone a souvenir from Luca today. It had a recording of Boo-Boo (heart)…_

"Boo-Boo." Brother sniggered derisively.

…_doing a strip tease. J/K!! It was just a sphere Auron took of Boo-Boo during a dare that he slowed down and put to sleazy music. (happy face) He made lots of copies and sold them in Luca. You won't believe how much gil he made off them!!"_

Tidus' jaw dropped as the truth was finally revealed. His body spasmed, jerking him to his feet in a scattering of hair accessories.

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I know, the end feels chopped off, but don't dispair! (I'm already working on the next chapter.)

Remember Random Bits 14? I was thinking about creating a menu for the ICOF and will be taking requests for fiend based dishes. They can be like MacDonalds combos, dinner plates, side dishes, desserts, drinks, anything! PM your ideas to the e-mail address on my Profile page and I will post the offical ICOF menu when its completed. Don't forget to add witty discriptions with your food/drink items.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, the last chapter!! I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Again, please send in any ideas you have for the ICOF menu. Sure I could come up with all of it myself, but it's more fun this way and some of you come up with some awesome ideas!

Random Bits 15 -Chapter 3

Setting: Yuna and company are helping the Al Bhed rebuild Home. With supplies running low, Tidus and Rikku volunteer to go with Cid and Brother to buy more. Unfortunately, after annoying Cid, Tidus and Brother are made to stay on the airship.

**Bikanel Island **- Rikku's quarters- Tidus has just learned where all those suspicious spheres of him have been coming from.

"The guy is _sick_!" Tidus exclaimed in a tortured whisper. He tramped around the room whispering in the tense tones of someone, through by great effort, was forcing themselves to be quiet when what they really want to do was scream loud enough to shatter glass. "He's like some kind of pedophile! How did…when?" Memory flung up a few dusty images of Auron and three old men. It was followed by the memory of the streaking dare in Besaid, and the Pantsing incident in Bevelle. "That…!"

"Shhhhhh!" Brother hissed, making placating gestures. "If Rikku finds us…" He let the sentence trail off, leaving Tidus to fill in the consequence of his choice.

Muttering and vowing revenge, the blond Abes star settled down with a huff.

_Auron's got this really twisted sense of humor that I really like. If only he was a few years younger…_

"Like fifty!" Tidus spat viciously as he read the entry.

"Gross!" Brother added. "And she has nerve to talk about my problems!" What some girls found so appealing about older men was a mystery to both 'Y's. They just didn't know what they found so attractive about Alcyone's Feet around the eyes, thinning hair, sagging jowls, and a chin you could crack a Mafdet on. It could have been any number of reasons like 1. Older men were more mature, and thus long past giggling about bodily functions, 2. They already have their own place, vehicle and job, 3. They know where their waist is, so their pants aren't hanging around their knees, and 4. Men don't live as long as women, thus leaving the loving wife set for life, and with the option of remarrying another older man 'cause let's face it, why ruin a good thing? (aside from the fact that it's just plain wrong. I'll stick to my own age group thank you!).

Tidus Scanned through the next few paragraphs, then handed the book over and switched places with Brother. Girls tend to write about something the way they talk about it: a lot. Your typical 'X' will write down, say a trip to the mall, in great detail. Entire conversations will be written down, along with all the places she visited, how many steps were between each store, who she went with, and what they were wearing. It might take _pages_ to properly record.

Guys are different. They can sum it all up in as little as six words (if they remember to write anything down). They've got the writing thing down to an art. A typical entry follows a strict format: When, where, and what. Example: _Today_: _Went to Gatta's . Watched game. _Simple, blissfully short and to the point!

Brother settled onto the small stool and read aloud.

_Argh! I'm like, so depressed! I must have been sick on the day that Yevon handed out the Big Boobs, either that or I was last in line when they ran out. But you know what's really depressing? Even Wakka's man-boobs are bigger than mine!_

"You, know," Tidus said slowly, trying to shake off the feeling that his brain had just vomited inside his skull. "That's more about Wakka than I really wanted to know." A disturbing mental image of Wakka and his man-boobs wobbled across the back of his eyelids, forever searing its white hot horror into his minds eye (where it would take years and some serious therapy before the light spot from that memory faded). The perversity of the attached mental image giggled and jinked up his spine, leaving Disgust in its wake. He shivered, causing his brain to bob. "She's even more obsessed with knockers than I am!"

Brother scratched his tattooed head. "What are 'man-boobs'?" Tidus gagged and replied "Ask your dad."

_Yunie is so lucky to have such great friends, especially Kimahri. He's like a bodyguard and pet all rolled into one. He looks scary fierce, but he's really just a cuddly widdle kitty inside! I know,…_

Brother and Tidus tried to imagine Kimahri being cuddly and kitten-like, but all they could imagine was that dour countenance, burning eyes, and the threatening way he loomed behind Yuna.

…_Because I've seen his sphere page. He listed his hobbies a Guarding, ironing Yunie's clothes, and chasing butterflies. _

_Guess what? There's a new style in Luca. All the guys are wearing short, tight shirts and loose pants. Okay, so it isn't all that different from before, but the patterns and colors are a lot better this time around. Yellow is definitely out. Wakka (aka Tubby, evil smiley) decided to try it out. He had this gross little fat roll hanging out from under his shirt! Talk about 'overhang'. It looked like someone slashed open a can of ready to bake biscuits! _(Pillsbury homestyle biscuits anyone?) _I don't think…_

After a few minutes, both boys became aware of an insistent beeping. Both miscreants froze in sudden panic. There was a brief moment of uncoordinated flailing as their brains took over their peripheral nervous systems.

Warning buzzers were slapped on and Impending Disaster was announced over the intercom: _Warning! Warning! Rikku/Little Sister (delete which ever is inappropriate) is approaching! Danger! Motor Skill meltdown. Initate 'Survival Measures'! _Neurons fired in panic as everything went fruit shaped, and everyone rushed around grabbing personal possessions, screaming, and stealing office supplies while the backbone was turned.

At the back of Tidus' and Brother's minds a few brain cells took over and suggested that someone tell the legs to get moving. At a high rate of speed. Oh, and make sure they are both going in the same direction. Bugger everybody else.

Both boys simultaneous stood and bolted for the Bridge in that odd running motion that suggested that the legs were doing the thinking. Brother suddenly went from fast forward motion to a dead standstill that defied the very laws of physics. He vibrated slightly, doing an uncanny impression of a knife thrown into a table top. Brother waved his arms frantically at Tidus while he waited for the speech centers of his brain to catch up with his thoughts. " Don't follow! Don't follow! Clean room…everything _exactly _where found it!" he nearly screamed, shoving Tidus back towards Rikku's room.

That said, the taller boy pounded up to the intercom, gasped for breath, then hit the blinking button and said casually "_Rammu_?"

"It's about time!" came Cid's irate voice (but then again, he always sounded irate) "We've been hailing you for the past five minutes."

"Sorry. I was in the …bathroom?"

"Well, get the loading dock ready, we're almost there."

Brother turned and fled back to Rikku's room.

In Rikku's sanctum, the Jecht Spawn was doing the Flight of the BiteBug as he cleaned up the room. He was going to need a serious de-bugging to get rid of all the cooties ( girl germs, female funk, etc.) he had picked up. The last thing the blond wanted was to have one of his blitz ball team mates asking him uncomfortable questions, like "Do I smell 'girl' on you?", "Who is she?", "Is there something you want to 'come out' about?", "It's okay, we'll understand.", "Hey, guys, don't drop the soap!", or have someone whisper "Backs to the wall, guys!" when ever he walked into a room.

Tidus dumped everything back into its respective drawer and slammed it shut. "What are you doing?!" Brother shouted, bursting into the room. Tidus jumped in fright and let out a very unmanly squeal. He yelped as the tattooed Al Bhed boy gripped him by his biceps and shook him vigorously. Tidus' head bounced around, making a rattling noise.

"_E cyet bid pylg--!" _he shouted, slipping into Al Bhed in his panic, then continued in Spiran "Put back _exactly_!". He left Tidus standing in stunned silence as he sidled around the room, adjusting various items by millimeters. The first rule of snooping is : Always leave everything exactly like you found it. Especially when snooping in a girl's room. They have the unsettling ability to remember little details like how many wrinkles weren't in the bedspread when they left, how far out the dresser drawer was, and how many Hershey kisses were in the candy box on the dresser. Some of them even have small cameras hidden in the eyes of their teddy bears. Think about that the next time you're snooping around your sister's room while picking your nose.

"Hurry, are almost here!" Brother urged as he pulled out a drawer shook it to erase the 'rifled-through' look. Tidus edged around him and dropped the diary back into the underwear drawer, then jumped out of the way barely in time as Brother lunged at him in panic. "No! Exactly like it was!" he screeched, shoving his hand into the panty infested drawer to push the book into the rear right corner…face down…with the spine facing the back…diagonally.

"Go open loading dock." Brother snapped in exasperation. The young blitz star decided not to argue and sprinted to the door, his last glimpse of the Al Bhed boy was of him on his hands and knees obsessively fluffing the carpet so the foot prints wouldn't show.

Moments later, the loading dock was down and Tidus and Brother were pelting down the corridor to the Bridge. Brother trotted through the doorway, followed by Tidus. The Spawn of Jecht (unable to resist an opportunity to show off) attempted a Standing Slide into the Bridge for a bit of dramatic flair, but ended up bouncing across the floor on his face as his feet hit the rubber mats Cid had installed to prevent slips (and therefore on the job accident lawsuits. It pays to cover your bum from all sides).

Tidus jumped up, doing that special over the shoulder glance people do to make sure no one saw them make a Chocobo's behind of themselves. He sheepishly joined Brother in leaning on the bulkhead in what was know as the 'Casual Slouch'. It's the sideways slouch that people adopt when they want to look totally relaxed and innocent (usually after they get caught stealing something, touching something, breaking something, or talking about someone), but only serves to make them look more suspicious. And that was how Rikku and Cid found them.

Exuding 'slickness' from every pore, Brother and Tidus each raised a hand in greeting. They were met with stunned silence before Cid loosed an explosive sigh and turned, muttering as he left, "I should have recognized the signs." They watched the man leave, then turned their gazes on Rikku. The girls was giving them a look that burned with all the scorn of …well..an angry woman.

Analogies like angrier than: a rampaging elephant, a sack full of wet cats, a swarm of hornets, and an old man denied his senior discount, didn't come close to the all consuming wrath of an enraged female. They flinched in the laser beam scowl and attempted to smile. Too bad that their smiles got a good lock at Rikku's frown and fled in panic.

The megawatt glare was suddenly replaced by a smile of wicked, impish, and above all, _sinister_, glee. The 'Y's abruptly experienced a bladder squeezing terror as Rikku reached into her pocket. "I'm so glad you had such a good time snooping around my room." she said sweetly, causing the boys to sweat. It's never good when a woman says anything sweetly. It usually means Big Trouble.

"_I…don't know what you mean_." Brother quavered in Al Bhed, too nervous to remember Spiran.

"Oh, don't be silly. I know you two were reading my diary." the perky girl countered as she pulled out a small, flat rectangle of glass and metal. Tidus and Brother didn't know what it _might _have been, but they were certain it _was_ some kind of Instrument of Torture. Brother glanced at his fellow culprit. He saw his thoughts reflected in the young Abes' star's eyes: _Dude, she _knows_!_

"Uh…no we weren't!" Tidus squeaked in a last ditch effort to live. Rikku let out a dark chuckle, aimed the strange device in her hands at Brother and Tidus, and flipped a switch on its side. The machina made a soft whirring sound. "Yes you were. I can tell, and I'm going to make sure you _never_ do it again!"

_We're dead_! Tidus' and Brother's brain cells screamed as a small telescoping tube slid silently out of the front of the instrument like a viper. Faced with impending annihilation, the two captured explorers did what comes natural in situations like these. They held hands and closed their eyes.

_Click!_

Both boys flinched. There was that long, tense moment when the body quickly takes inventory of all its parts to make sure it has still got them all. Tidus and Brother cautiously cracked open their eyes. They squealed and clutched each other as the device flashed and went _click!_, again.

"Ooooh! That one's even better!" Rikku chirped. The two males opened their eyes to see the slender Al Bhed girl comparing two flat square of what looked like sphere material. There was a long, embarrassed Silence in which Brother and Tidus realized that they weren't dead after all, and that their faces were touching. They separated with lightning speed, flying apart with the unspoken agreement that neither one of them would ever speak of the incident again. "These are sooo uber cool!" Rikku sang, slotting the squares into a special dock in the control panel below the main monitor. "I told you I could tell you were in my room." she laughed. "Don't you two look _cute_?"

With mind-numbing horror, the young Guardian and Rikku's sibling took in the life (and social image) shattering pictures on the monitor. There was Brother and Tidus, beribboned, hair-clipped, scrunchiied, pigtailed, bowed, lip glossed, and eye shadowed. And in accordance with cosmic law, they were both making lame faces.

There's no escaping it. For most of us, there is no such thing as a good photo. Take a picture, posed or free-style, and the subject will always be making a face, have a bad case of flyaway hair, be doing something weird with their hands, or look just plain goofy. It's not that we can't take a good picture (in fact, every picture is perfect), it's just that somewhere between the lens and the paper, the picture gets warped. Every camera does it. On purpose.

Brother was the ugliest girl imaginable, thanks to the tattoos and his Mohawk. There was no denying the fact that he was _obviously _a man masquerading as a girl. Tidus on the other hand, actually looked like a girl and could have easily passed as Rikku's older sister(who, following the family naming system, would be called Sister. She would, of course, be younger than their older cousin, Cousin. Duh!).

"Do you like my new invention?" Rikku continued conversationally, saving several copies to the ship's main computer.

"It's like a Sphere only less bulky, more like a small flyer. It imprints the picture on these thin sheets of Sphere material called 'Flats'. They're a lot easier to carry around. More importantly, their content can be uploaded to onto the Sphere-net a lot easier.

Tidus and Brother tried to swallow around hard lumps of dread as Rikku stalked towards them and said with terrible cheer,

"It's just in time for the new Net craze too! Wanna know what it is?" Both boys nodded in terrified curiosity.

"An online _Diary_." Rikku grinned as they shuddered at the mention of the word 'diary'.

"It will be better than a regular diary because I can upload pictures and videos to accompany my entries, _and_ I can share my favorite memories with _all_ my friends. These pictures would be perfect for my very first entry."

"You wouldn't dare!" Brother sputtered in defiant horror. "Right Tidus?"

Brother threw a sidelong look at the other boy to find that he didn't look as panic stricken as he should. In fact, he looked almost unconcerned.

"What's wrong with you?! She is going to be uploading us! Where others can see!" Tidus shrugged and said in a relieved voice,

"No one will recognize _me_, so it doesn't really matter. It sucks for you though."

End

* * *

For Prints of Tidus and Brother, please contact Rikku via her s-mail : machinagoddess(at symbol)spherespace(dot)snet. Use her computer, just leave no trace of your presence! (Don't forget to send me your ICOF ideas!)


End file.
